It has recently come to my attention that multiple women from my past now have sex with other women. Shocked? Amused? Maybe just a little?
As a humanist, I can’t imagine that I drove these women to lesbianism. That’s just stupid. These women made a choice, rationally comparing their heterosexual experiences with the joy of forbidden love. They followed that line of thought to its inevitable conclusion: hot lesbian sex is much more preferable. Who could fault them for being so wise?
Answer: Ben Affleck
Consider: Ben Affleck has done not one but two movies in which, through the radiance of his overwhelming masculinity, he convinces a lesbian to stop being gay and start sexing him, vigorously and with imagination.
Two movies. Because one movie isn’t enough to prove how manly Ben Affleck is. Because Chasing Amy fell short of the mark, and he was thusly compelled to do Gigli**. Though his performance in Gigli is inimitable, the valuable life-lessons proffered through his subtle craft have clearly been lost on me.
And as I write this, dear Reader, I ask myself: Why am I upset at this new discovery? It is not the idea that tepid encounters resulted in others’ sexual reidentification…I’ve considered it and find it unsubstantiated. So what could it be?
Stay tuned for our riveting conclusion: “Tom Christensen Has a Predilection for Flexible Women”
** Celebrate “International Gigli Day” August 1st…mark your calendars NOW!).
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